onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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