i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Randomize
