I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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