White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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