i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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