Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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