Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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