Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
