Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
