you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
