Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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