Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
