i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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