i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
