And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
