So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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