yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
