Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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