i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
