Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
