I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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