I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Randomize
