I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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