Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
