This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
