Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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