Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
