Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
