mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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