ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
