Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
