Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i will never coherently bang her
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
