do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need to calm my uterus...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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