Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
please don't ironically join a cult
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