i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
