I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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