just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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