season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
