Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
