My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
