I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
