my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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