I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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