Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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