Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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