Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
