Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
