I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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