I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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