The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You ruined the universe
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
